My mom died today. We were not close. We had differing and divergent views on almost everything. She was at best disappointed in me and at worst disdainful. But she always ended our conversations with “I love you very much” and I believe that she did love me as only a mother can love a child.

Her last days were filled with misery. She was discharged from a rehab facility in Mesquite, NV with no system of care in place and for no other reason than she said, “I want to go home.” She was not mentally competent to make that decision. But Highland Manor knew the amount of legal latitude they possessed and sent her home. When we found her, she was lying in her own excrement, disoriented and dehydrated. We were told to call the Mesquite police department who then dispatched an ambulance to her residence. Once they arrived, we were careful to say precisely that she was in a grave and life threatening situation and that she could not remain in her residence. She was transported to Mesa View Hospital where she remained for 10 days before they transferred her to North Vista Hospital in Las Vegas. She died today.

My last memory of my mother will be her lifeless body with a ventilator tube left inserted in her throat. A sheet draped over her. We had to ask that the tube be removed. We waited for over three hours for the funeral home to come and take her for cremation. We waited because we did not want her to be alone. When I tried to say goodbye, I couldn’t get the words out. My dad died in 1972. I was not prepared for this. I was working to get her placed in a skilled nursing facility. She died today.

When your parents are gone, your own mortality slaps you right in the face. While I try to rise above self indulgence, reality is a cruel master.

I miss my mom.